Jul. 10th, 2011 11:39 am
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)
I love it when royalty meets Hollywood. I love the way the royals check the Wood out. One of my favorite all time photographs (of an event I covered) is of QEII grokking E. Taylor's gigantic diamond necklace, or perhaps it was her gigantic bosom, as E. Taylor politely maintains eye contact, and not with the gigantic diamonds and bosom of Her Madge.

July, 1976: This was the occasion but not the pic.

It was at that event Muhammad Ali himself told me he was now complete. He had met everybody. The Queen. She asked him about blood clots in his legs.

Oh yes.

And then the real deal arrived in a small motorcade to huge cheers and cries of "we love you". The remaining lingering stars were ushered inside for a reception, where they were told by Duncan Kenworthy, Bafta's Los Angeles president: "Please don't all rush over, be cool in this coolest of towns. Trust me, they will try and chat to all of you. You can call them whatever you want: sir, madam, Will and Kate. They are very relaxed, as I am sure you will be."

(Btw, an American bows and curtsies to no one. And in the same spirit, one addresses them, I suspect, as Lt. and Mrs. Wales. Or Mountbatten-Windsor. Only the surname is in question.)

Below, find Streisand, the queen of Wood, who allegedly did not walk the red carpet with the rest of them because she can only now be photographed by her own photog. Whom she brought with. Seated at the head table with the even more Woody Kidman, who now approaches the tinge of formaldehyde, Streisand was blocked from seeing the royals, who were only interested in speaking to each other, by the tall lamp centerpieces (as every non-Wood host knows, centerpieces are to be low so guests can see one another).

Did the mutton show too much skin?

Please note the Duchess' goodies are covered up, including the diamond earrings lent by the Queen.

The lamentable decor of the event entailed bowler hats, Union Jacks and Edwardian coats on the waiters, as well as fish and chips hors d'oeuvres with malt vinegar spumo.

Aaaaaaanyway, one of the papers reports WillKat sitting down, ignoring the queen of Wood, who snakes her hand around the centerpiece to flap her hand to say hello.

Please note the queen of Wood is wearing the dress that probably comes closest to Waity's wedding dress of all the dresses worn by hardened scene-stealers in the place.

Of whom Rita Wilson, who is in every shot -- that is her shoulder, to the right of William -- rules.


When they took their seats at the main table they appeared engrossed in their own company, despite the fact Streisand and Kidman were sat opposite.

The royals affectionately stroked each other and chatted away until Miss Kidman finally stuck her hand across the table by way of introduction. Camera-shy Miss Streisand also made the first move - but had to get past a large lamp to shake hands with the star couple.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2013092/Duchess-Cambridge-Kate-Middleton-Prince-William-Red-carpet-royals-Hollywood.html#ixzz1Rj4qwqNz

Curious that only dinosaurs and C-listers (J-Lo) were invited, with neither of the Wood's top two female earners, Angelina and Jen, with $30 mill apiece in 2010 revenues, according to Forbes, in attendance. Neither was classy young Wood, like Reese Witherspoon, represented. Jennifer Garner? What? Either these are the people the royals wanted to meet (Zooey Deschanel? Kristen Chenoweth? The Mad Men chick?) or this is who Nigel Lythgow, the relentlessly lowbrow president of BAFTA (producer of American Idol, which 'splains so very much), who hosted the party and of which William is patron, chose
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One of the things you learn early on, and which Sarah Burton should know, is to weight your hems. It is a uniform, not a cute outfit.
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I'm not sure I'd marry Prince Baby Daddy of Monaco, attended only by a dress designer, a girlfriend, and seven little girls in native Monagesque dress unknown to me. Even if both Naomi Campbell and the Count of Paris were there.

Alexandre Coste.

Jazmin Grace Grimaldi.

There's this whole sort of Priscilla-Presley-esque back story, though Princess Charlene, at age 35 or so, is a generation older than Priscilla was when Elvis bought her from her parents and had her come live at Graceland, chaperoned by E's parents, until she was old enough to marry. Prince Baby seems to have installed Princess Charlene in a luxury Monaco apartment years ago. During all this time she seems to have failed to make any friends or to learn French.

In attendance were some especially weird usual suspects, among them Armani and his niece. Wow.

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Ich bin ein Canadian.

Princess Elizabeth visits Canada, 1951, wearing the Maple Leaf Brooch given to the Queen Mother by the people of Canada in 1939.

Queen Mum in what appears to be the MLB.

Meanwhile, in snatching the torch news, we find:

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I mean, the Vuitton bag and the frontwards bada bling glasses chain? This is what 80-year-olds in Miami Beach wear.
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)
Please do note that his concept of Duchess Waity's wan Frankenstein dress might could have been different.

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Lace today has many connotations, none of them -- except in the hands of the late Alexander McQueen -- progressive. They are
  • a cottage industry for peasant women and nuns
  • tablecloths, doilies, curtains in aspirational peasant homes, the hallmark of industrious and pious women and of rock-ribbed lower-class respectability
  • priestly vestments and altar cloths enlaced by seven centuries of skilled and devoted women

    Read more... )

  • perhaps for the same reasons priests wear it, lace in the form of Battenberg lace and cotton eyelet is used to embellish the white devotional garments of the Afro Latina practitioners of candomble and santeria

  • to disguise sun-damaged decolletage

    Sophia Loren of Napoli

  • coverage for crepey upper arm flaps

    Princess Lilian of Sweden

  • mantillas for widows, Catholics, Spanish grandees and flamenco dancers

    Sofia of Spain exercises her privilege du blanc in a visit with Pope Benedict....

    ...which The Parker Bowles does not share.

  • bodysuits for Twitter porn stars like Mrs. Ice T

    NSFW )
  • special occasion lingerie
  • a Celtic obloquy

  • that thong playaz keep in the glove compartment.

    Its use as a see-through coverup -- whether as Hyacinth Bucket respectable and aspirational front parlor curtains, confected to convey status to passersby while obscuring the view inside and outside, or as the peekaboo bodice of Duchess Catherine's wedding dress -- is what concerns us here.

    What's wrong with Duchess Catherine's dress is that the artisanal McQueen Lace Ethos -- a form of using lace as armored power dressing -- was completely sold out by McQueen's heiress, Sarah Burton. Who then tried to reimpose some McQueen artistic integrity on the skirt of Duchess Kate's dress. Resulting in two dresses, basically, the top half a Grace Kelly Catholic bride privilege du blanc knock-off. The bottom half anemically referring to McQueen's ferocious and muscular warrior women, with their sexy crocodile skull epaulettes and jagged tartan dhotis. My favorite feral evening dress of McQueen's is the gold eagle feather one:

    Gold is one of the traditional colors for a bride's dress, and the bride as harpie raptor seraph is a breathtaking modern image of female power, perhaps adapted from Art Nouveau.

    Lalique dragonfly pin used as logo of the National Gallery of Art Art Nouveau exhibit, in which the image of liberated women crowding Haussman's new boulevards as a crowd of locusts, per Zola's The Ladies' Paradise, was well-researched.

    Certainly, McQueen's lace-embroidered satin bug carapace dress deployed lace to refer to this feral tradition.

    McQueen used symetrical appliques of handmade lace to armor "nude" but not see through fabric, chunky lace akin to the gold braid which festoons soldiers' and sailors' uniforms:

    He used assymetrical appliques of black lace to evoke tattoos:

    Please note the presence of actual, not virtual, breasts, a theme of McQueen's soft chiffon tops.

    And hard metal and leather tops.

    Actual breasts the mark of the Amazon.

    Lace as an incrustation of the breastplate/corset:

    Lace, as with the braid on an officer's uniform, as the armor itself:
    still trying to re-locate this image

    There's the famous red executioner's hood, was it? Lace as a disguise. Worn as vintage by Lady Gaga:

    Lady Gaga in a vintage 1999 Alexander McQueen red lace dress.

    And the deployment of soft nude lace, in the collage applique method Sarah Burton used for both this dress and Duchess Catherine's wedding dress, simply as a bold graphic applique:

    Note how much stronger this nude lace dress is than the Burton-designed ruffles above.

    And finally, in what may be the prettiest lace dress of all time, lace exploiting its ability to reproduce the organic forms of leaves and dappled sunlight:

    The one thing wrong with my theory about McQueen versus Grace Kelly is, of course, that he devoted his winter 2005 show to Hitchcock heroines, and Grace Kelly starred in three Hitchcock films, the apotheosis of Hitchcock's icy blonde.

    Fall/Winter, 2005-6. Mostly 40s retro dresses, this Hitchcock collection, "The Man Who Knew Too Much" was derided as McQueen's tamest.

    Tomorrow: Grace, The Articulated Breast, St. Catherine of Siena's Head and Lady Gaga
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So here is absolutely the straight skinny on the royal wedding dress.

The royals, like the New York City club kids and rockers (NB, club kids are not rockers), have for centuries had their own fashion influences and arbiters entirely separate from the haute couture designers. Saint Laurent and Lagerfeld are the only ones I know of who were aware of the fashion fecundity in the streets and the power for women and queers and fat kids and kids of color that those power clothes engendered. I'm going to have to leave the case of Galliano, who I can never forget did a whole show based on my beloved Cockettes, to a sharper pomo analyst, because I think Galliano was always into the male supremacist gay spectacle of things rather than what I'm calling power dressing for all.

Vera Wang and the other designers who are pontificating on the simplicity of Kate's dress as opposed to the dress which wore Diana are talking, not to put too fine a point on it, out they ass.

Diana's wedding dress was in the long aristo tradition -- see yesterday's discussion of Queen Elizabeth I's assertion of her genital power, which was formidable -- and Kate's dress was in the short film star tradition of articulated breast, because Kate's genitals have neither virginity, nor aristocracy, nor history, nor 500 year-old titles older than the Windsors', and 14,000 acres of Northamptonshire, Warwickshire and Norfolk, to offer up to her king and their children. Diana did. All Kate has to offer is the sexuality of her slim figure, and that is the one gift she brings to her king and country. That's why her dress referred to Grace Kelly: Kate's body is the star since she has nothing else to offer. Her bridesmaid, as the second day wisdom begins to accrue, wore what Kate would have worn should she have married somebody else -- an entirely sexual dress in the mode of today's strapless.

Darcy Miller, editorial director of Martha Stewart Weddings, heads out to the synagogue in 2001. Vera Wang did the strapless.

I'm not even so sure Kate was thinking of Grace Kelly. I think she said, I want a strapless wedding dress like all the other girls and I need to cover it up like Autumn Kelly did. Autumn being the incredibly over-dressed Canadian who married the Queen's third grandson. Here is Autumn's half-assed wedding dress, and I think this trope, very much out of the royal fashion stream, indeed clueless with respect to the royal fashion history, is what Middleton was going for:

Autumn Kelly marries the Queen's third grandson.

Autumn Kelly grievously over-dressed at William's wedding.

Autumn Kelly not getting the whole royal lady hat thing at Ascot. This is how we call here in Macondo, all hat and no cattle. The Parker Bowles' hats, just as huge, are far, far less frivolous and far more imperialistic and coronal.

You read first about the really awful prospect of Autumn Kelly as Duchess Waity's fashion arbiter here.

Diana's 1981 wedding dress was not, as so many pundits have said, the perfect expression of the zeitgeist of the 1980s. It was indeed, like those "Dynasty" suits, the expression of 80s power dressing. The shoulders were made huge with a ruffled neckline and leg o'mutton sleeves, the skirt was huge, the veil made a 16th century Spanish infanta pyramidal virgin totem silhouette, and the train was 25 feet long.

Our Lady of Candelaria

The Spanish colonial infanta syncretized as Pachamama and Our Lady of Potosi.

Following this thread of virgin imagery, we can see that there is a strong tradition of making a mountain out of a virgin. And that deeply instinctive impulse and image is, I suggest, the source of the power, volume and size of Diana's wedding dress.

Diana wore the dress and meant to take up space with it -- her family's history, possessions, services to the king and England, and the girl's own hymeneal splendor in an era when she was, probably, the last virgin applying for the last job which required its holder to be a virgin. It was a genital dress, like Queen Elizabeth I's, and referred to the bride's genitals in all their power and glory. Diana's breasts were -- check it out -- rendered almost completely invisible by the ruffled neckline and sleeves.

Breasts are what a girl with nothing else to offer submits to MGM.

This is what a girl, famously with a history but no past, has to offer:

I can't track down the historical references made by Diana's dress. I would guess they are Victorian, and 18th century. Here is Victoria -- at the time of her marriage already the head of state:

Diana was not the holder of such a title and kept the shoulder-sweeping diamond earrings and the roses on her skirt to a minimum. More or less. Her jewels were, at least, the Spencers' own tiara, however, and Diana's mother's own diamond earrings, neither borrowed from the Queen, like Middleton's tiara, or newly confected, like Middleton's earrings. Middleton's parents had her wedding earrings designed from their month-old heraldic crest, reportedly with matching stick pins for the father and brother of the bride.

Michael Middleton with his acorn stick pin.

Middleton's nouveau earrings.

The nouveau coat of arms her father paid L4,400 for, so the whole family could use it.

But like Victoria, Diana embellished her wedding dress with everything she could to armor it, to convey her power, to occupy a space much much larger than her 25-foot train, to draw attention away from her breasts, her personal body, and to her aristocratic virginity. There was Queen Mary's lace in the gigantic power shoulders. Sequins on the massive veil. Like Victoria and the Queen, the silk taffeta -- notably wrinkled by its confinement to the Cinderella coach from which she emerged -- was the product of English silkworms down in Dorset.

Rather than Victoria's lace bertha, Diana went for what seem to be 18th century sleeves and a flattening 18th century bodice.

Perroneau, 1749, Madame de Sorquainville, Louvre

Note the high decoration, in the Tudor armoring tradition, of Madame's breasts, as well as their virtual disappearance -- as in Diana's 18th century bodice -- under 18th century corsetry.

Reminders of her famous ancestor, the Whig hostess and women's suffragist Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire (nee Spencer), must surely have hung on the walls of her family's home at Althorp, even if this Gainsborough is in California.

Georgiana Cavendish, Duchess of Devonshire

This portrait, or the ones like it at Althorp, are the font and source of the underground fashion stream that belongs to aristocracy. Its influence -- and the important insight that those who by birth have risen to the pinnacle (or nadir) of human success and society don't need to dress like the rest of us, and do not -- can be gathered from this passage on George VI and his wife's clothes, ca. 1937.

A young Norman Hartnell, whose name was to become synonymous with royal dressmaking, was brought in to consult over the Coronation and to glamorize the Queen's wardrobe. The King had evidently been studying the royal collections for inspiration and had found it in Winterhalter. The inevitable cigarette in hand, he led Hartnell off to inspect the Winterhalter portraits of royal ladies. 'His Majesty made it clear in his quiet way that I should attempt to capture this picturesque grace in the dresses I was to design for the Queen. Thus it is to the King and Winterhalter,' Hartnell wrote, 'that are owed the fine praises I later received for the regal renaissance of the romantic crinoline.'

-- The Reluctant King, Sarah Bradford, 219

I submit, therefore, that Diana's dress was perfectly historical, appropriate for an aristocratic virgin bride, and referring powerfully to her virginity and aristocracy. It was not an 80s dress, it was a terrifyingly candid Tudor dress, asserting the power of her family and her genitals. This is not how most of us know how to dress.*

As is dreadfully borne out by the pastiche that is the Duchess of Cambridge's wedding dress. An art historian of my acquaintance -- whose taste for low culture led her to watch "An American in Paris" instead of the wedding -- had seen only a few stills of Duchess Waity's wedding dress. She had one word for it. Trampy.

My distinguished colleage, Dr. [personal profile] aliceinfinland, has referred to the exploded post-modern nature of Waity's dress. You don't know, says Dr. Finland, where to look.

And that, possums, has to do with the peekaboo nature of the lace bodice, Sarah Burton's selling out the incredible McQueen Lace Ethos, and nobody's saying to Waity hey. You might not want to allude to Princess Grace.

Since she died in a hideous car crash. And Diana attended her funeral.

Do you really want to make that reference, asshole? At your wedding?

Tomorrow: Lace, Grace, Articulated Breasts, St. Catherine of Siena's Head, and Lady Gaga

*I leave aside, for the true students of fashion, the fascinating question of which bouffant skirt came first -- the Queen Mum's Hartnell/Winterhalters (ca. 1937), or Dior's New Look (1947)? And which spawned all those 1950s crinolines, up to and including Waity's?

With the end of fabric rationing, Dior brought back very full skirts in 1947. It is thought they led to the '50s bouffant skirts, such as Grace Kelly's wedding dress.

Mamie Eisenhower's inauguration dress, 1953.

The Queen Mum in 1966, thirty years in to rocking the Winterhalters.

And Princess Margaret's 1960 wedding dress, which is the transition between the Queen's, Mamie's, Grace Kelly's, and Waity's:

Baby's got front.
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)
Charles is a tit man.

charles and camilla
This is the earliest known public photograph of Charles and Camilla, at a polo match at Windsor, 1970.

Camilla marries Andrew Parker Bowles, July, 1973, then alleged to be London's finest swordsman, after an alleged menage a quatre in which Andrew was dating Princess Anne and Camilla took up with Charles in retaliation. Anne and Andrew have been seen consorting lately, after the death of Andrew's second wife.

At some point in 1980 or 1981, one of those repressed but very sharp-eyed Brit pandits noted that Diana, too, bore the "low-slung Windsor bosom", and the particular piece of that marriage puzzle related to the Prince's kink clicked in. This has been explained in many ways, most of them having to do with the Queen's departure on a world-wide progress in 1954, leaving kindergartner Charles alone at home. Upon her return, after six months, her 6-year-old heir lined up with the other dignitaries to shake hands.

Lady Diana Spencer emerges from a car on her first public engagement with her fiance for a party with Princess Grace. March 1, 1981. The dress is by Elizabeth Emanuel, who also designed her wedding dress.

I have been thinking about the Queen's breast ever since, and yesterday's royal wedding dress put them squarely on the table yet again.

The Tudor breast was famously armored, in keeping with the virgin queen's assertion that "Had I been born crested, not cloven, you would not speak thus to me." Thus does Elizabeth I set up, unforgetably, the frankness with which a Queen may refer to her genitals while rendering her breasts invisible. It's an interesting trick of abstraction and
self-iconography in which Elizabeth I was expert, and which much depended on her femininity, its perceived vulnerability, and her insistence that no marriage could be undertaken for political -- and possibly personal, given her mother's beheading by her father -- reasons.

An art historian friend once pointed out that those baaad Tudors always had the arrow pointing south. Away, I would point out, from the Queen's breast.

Her older sister, the Catholic Mary I, dressed herself more grimly but without recourse to lacy Catholic bride/madonna breast tropes, also possibly because she was head of state.

In the 18th century, Queen Charlotte's monobreast was equally armored if more exposed, possibly because she was consort and not head of state.

Interestingly, Queen Victoria's 1838 coronation dress bared the chest, part of the shoulder, and emphasized the monarch's femaleness by fitting tightly over the bosom, down through the waist to the gigantic skirt her court painter Winterhalter did so much to make iconic for royal brides. Her curves are literally outlined in the ermine trappings of her crimson velvet robe. Thus did the slim 18-year-old queen first assert and reveal the power of her personal body, and the monarch's breast, rather than with Elizabeth's more direct, and yet more armored, genital reference. Her dress was white satin embroidered in gold with a Greek key motif.

In their coronation robes -- their uniform -- the 19th and 20th century queen consorts, Alexandra, Mary and Elizabeth, promoted the racy uplifted bosom and tightly corsetted waist that Victoria and the Winterhalter tradition made iconographic. These paintings feature at Windsor and others of the royal palaces and have done much to form the royals' own concept of female attire.

Alexandra's dress was gold, her daughter-in-law and granddaughter-in-law reverted to Victoria's white satin embroidered in gold.


The next queen regnant was Elizabeth II, who followed conscientiously in the path of her foremothers -- or Winterhalter, said to be a favorite ladies' wear arbiter of her father's. Her coronation dress uplifted the royal breast, cinched in the royal waist, was carefully confected by its designer, Norman Hartnell, not to repeat the somewhat softer but still iconographic wedding dress he designed. The coronation dress went through nine separate designs, until the queen was pleased with a full-skirted white dress, embroidered with symbolic shapes in gold with slightly tinted silk thread. Hartnell added the tints after the Queen said the dress too much resembled her all-white wedding dress. Her bosom, like Victoria's was up, with cleavage well covered, yet interestingly emphasized with a gold-bordered sweetheart "neck" line:

e 2 coro dress drawing
This image is not my favorite, but it renders the details of the coronation dress accurately.

How the dress moves, and how it is much less feminine and much more religious in its stiffness and volume, can be seen in this Youtube clip of the 1953 coronation, from 1:55 to 2:38. It's not clear whether or not the Queen has what I'm thinking of as monobreast or two articulated breasts, an important theme to which we shall return. I think it's two articulated breasts, that is with their separateness emphasized by a declivity in the fabric between the two.


All through her reign, the queen has worn a similar white formal dress, or uniform, to open Parliament.

Her wedding dress was similar, white, Hartnell, embroidered shapes representing the commonweath countries, except with long sleeves.

Note the bosom; that is the origin of the observation about the Windsor bosom. The Queen had a fabulous figure.

Here is the 1953 coronation dress she wore six years later. I submit the sweetheart "neck" line begins, or hints at two separated or articulated breasts, a movement which gets very serious in the 1950s.

Neither her wedding dress nor her coronation dress featured any kind of lace, though Queen Victoria's and Alexandra's did, with special emphasis on the British provenance. Victoria was photographed as Queen wearing lace mantillas, but I can find no royal lady wearing lace as a see-through element in her outer garments. Except, of course, the Duchess of Windsor's nightgowns which somehow came up for auction recently. These garments inset with lace are, as I can hardly believe I have to point out, private sexual garments.

Almost everyone has made the analogy of Duchess Waity's lacey wedding dress to Grace Kelly's 1956 wedding dress. That garment was designed by the MGM studio wardrobe designer, Helen Rose, who'd previously won an Academy Award for dressing sweater girl Lana Turner in "The Bad and the Beautiful".

Rose had just finished dressing Kelly for "High Society", in which Kelly is alleged to have worn her real engagement ring, from Prince Ranier, throughout.

Here are the clothes Rose made for Kelly in the movie:

Note the play Rose makes with see-through chiffons and now-you-see-it-now-you-don't-Greek-goddess draperies in the bathing suit and cover up.

Just the thing for a princess' wedding gown, yes? Someone whose clothes-fashioning values are for the cameras, and for the enhancement of a screen actress' sexuality. Kelly was notably flat-chested, in the era of Marilyn Monroe and Howard Hughes' rocket cone underwire bras, and while Rose's relationship with lace was longstanding, her masterful play with peekaboo is clear from "High Society". Rose claimed to have cannibalized her previous work on a dress for a Dorothy McGuire film for Kelly's wedding dress:

"Invitation", Dorothy McGuire, 1952, dress by Helen Rose. The blouse is of rose point lace and was designed to be worn after the wedding with different skirts and pants.

Please note, in a dress seen a year before the Queen's coronation, the beginning of the sweetheart neckline of articulated breasts as the decade moved into cleavage, Hughes cone bras, Jayne Mansfield, bikinis, and a celebration of breasts, where Grace Kelly, for one, had little to show.

Tomorrow: Lace, Princess Beatrice and Lady Gaga
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)
Everyone else is predicting what Kate's wedding dress is going to look like, so Ima take a stab.

  • It will be vulgar, like the Polly Ester draped dress she wore to the announcement of her engagement, or that black velvet Libelula "coat" cut to the navel she wore to someone else's wedding in January.

    Libelula is being touted as the designer of the wedding dress.

  • It will have short, embellished sleeves or a lace bolero like Autumn Kelly's. She will not wear a strapless dress as Autumn did. Autumn is a Canadian and doesn't know any better.

    The Queen's grandson and his bride, Autumn Kelly.

  • She will not wear long sleeves as Princesses Anne and Letizia did.

    This, NB, is Princess Anne's first wedding dress, said to have been designed by herself. Her second wedding dress looks like a suit. And has long sleeves too. Please note Anne wears the tiara her mother wore at her 1947 wedding to Prince Philip.

    Please note Autumn Kelly is not wearing it.

    Here the Princess Royal can be seen marrying the help. Because she can. But since, as a divorcee, she couldn't in the Anglican church in England, she did it in Scotland in their schismatic kirk. Thence the heather.

    Letizia Ortiz, a divorcee, marries the Catholic prince of Spain. This is the best commoner's wedding dress since Princess Lilian. Letizia is working the royal mantilla and medieval coronet thing and the collar thing and the sleeves thing.

    Princess Lilian
    After his parents' deaths, Lilian finally marries Swedish prince Bertil in 1976 after 33 years together. This is a perfect example of daytime formal wear.

  • Suffice it to say, Waity's dress will not be anything like as classy as Princess Lilian's. It will not be a princess style A-line skirt in a stiff satin fabric. W's far too vain about her hips and legs to hide them.
  • It certainly will not be the fairy princess bouffant skirt worn by Diana. Who only got away with it because she was 19 or 20 years old.


  • I think Waity's dress will be draped chiffon or Polly Ester, as tight as possible from bust to below the booty.
  • I don't think it will be a full limp skirt like all the others she wears. But it might could be.

    We get it already.

    The fashion show outfit with which she allegedly first caught the eye of Prince William. We get it already.

  • If Waity goes long with the sleeves, which I doubt, they'll be transparent, either chiffon or lace.
  • I'm afraid I think the fabric will be shiny. I cringe at the thought she might actually have sequins sewn into it.
  • It will be a sheath.
  • I'll be grossed out if it has lace on it, a la Princess Grace' skintight bodice. I wouldn't put it past her.

    The slayer here is the little white Bible being carried to the altar by the virginal Grace, said to have cut quite the swathe through Hollywood's leading men.

  • I'm officially betting on skintight embellished chiffon.
  • Veil wise, she's going to go for the orange blossom head wreath. Having shacked up with the gentleman in question for 10 years, she's entitled to the traditional virgin bride flowers.
  • The veil will cover her shoulders and, I predict, have mantilla-like lace edges.
  • I think there will be a short train, not Diana's 25 foot whopper. Again, because the bride is nearly 30 years old and has been living with the groom for a decade. I think the veil will compose most of the train.
  • She's going to have one of those ribbon-wrapped stem bouquets that Everybody has.

This dress is by Alice Temperley, who Waity has worn before. Please note W wouldn't touch the Empire waistline with a 40 foot pole.

But it will be within this orbit: slim to tight, short sleeves, pintucked or draped embellished silk chiffon, a little too casual and limp, a little too low cut. Negligee, I think the word is. I am thinking of the Duchess of Windsor's tarty nightgowns.

You're asking me what I would have her wear? A beautiful textured silk cream suit and an organdy hat with a huge brim filled with fresh apricot colored flowers. With touches of blue. Killer $250,000 sapphire studs. She would carry a four inch nosegay of April flowers, with modest cream silk satin ribbon, mostly sprigs of old-fashioned herbs lke myrtle and veronica for fidelity, as per Diana's bouquet. And lace mitts.
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)
I think this may be the best royal wedding dress I've seen. Lady Sarah Armstrong-Jones, 1994, by Jaspar Conran after Holbein.

Very covered, very sexy.

Moar )

There's nothing like simple gorgeous blooms and pearls bigger than your teeth.

I wonder if Mother Middleton will wear a tiara to the wedding? Or, perhaps, crown herself with one as Katie says "I do"?
purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)

The mother of the bride is shaping up to act as badly as we have hoped.

Mrs Middleton accused Ms Cierach, the London-based couturier best known for making the Duchess of York’s wedding dress, of being ‘unaccommodating’ and dramatically withdrew her business just weeks before the wedding.


I suspect this means Cierach asked her to pay for the dress.

Of course you remember Fergie's wedding dress. It had a train longer than Diana's, embroidered with a gigantic S + A, and, I think, Neptunes and helicopters or something as Andrew was in the Navy. (Crystal anchors!!!!! Does this mean Mother Middleton's train was encrusted with crystal Mercedes logos?)

Mother Middleton has been on that latest French version of the Atkins diet for the wedding to which I am predicting she will either a.) wear white and a veil or b.) something even more hideous plus age-inappropriate than Hillary's dress of infamy. It is typically tone-deaf of her to hire the designer of Fergie's tacky wedding dress. But to fire her is just over the top.

Further I predict she'll do something along the lines of slapping the Queen on the back.

I. Can't. Wait.

purejuice: (loaf-haired pats)


Then. Please note that neither of the drawn versions of WW are displaying half so much poitrine.

Then, too. As E. Taylor said, Nobody in Hollywood has real tits any more. God bless you, Lynda Carter.

Interesting how the original has muscles -- delts, even -- which offset the traditional star-spangled booty shorts as an athletic costume. Little-to-no cleaves.
purejuice: (Default)
When I accused GwynPal some time ago of -- being mutton dressed as lamb, basically, insecure about a rockstar hubs, I hadn't seen her in this dress.

Now thass fugly, troopies, and the Fug Girls are on the case. GOOP (have you read Gwynnie's unbearable website?) is up against Mary Kate Ashley Olson, the two-headed fugger, in Part II of Round One of the Charo bracket over at the Fug Girls, where the writing is sharper than DoPar's and the comments could whup DeBord's ass any day.

Plus, Mischa Barton is still alive and she is wearing knee window leggings.

Which are as nothing compared to The Family Smith.

Oh me. Life is good.
purejuice: (Default)
Today only at http://gofugyourself.com/.

They're all predicting Taylor Momsen for the win. But I'm still itching over the existential trauma of choosing between Emma Watson and Diane Kruger, who the randomizer set against each other in this round.

There is fug -- all the vacuous voted for Nicky Minaj, who is kind of a genius -- and then there is fug that is just bad to the bone, an illness of the soul, of the etheric body, a dangerous and maleficent out-picturing which can hurt you if you stare at it too long. One is a leather bustier mini dress, oh Emma Watson, with crewel work at the hem. Matched up for a vote by the diabolical and not so random randomizer with Kruger's chiffon Fallopian tube appliques. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

And then there's the dialogue the Fug Girls have written between Brad Pitt, one of only three men in the lists, who is randomized against Julianne Moore, against whom I could never vote. Even though, oh Lord, she made it very, very hard. Their J Lo dialogue is brill as always, and they introduced me to the wonder that is Leona Lewis' tailor.


They have not backed off LiLo, as they did Britney when she was not taking her meds and letting her cooch hang out. LiLo is in the lists and I must say she dresses like a 75-year-old retired goombah in Miami Beach. Dang. Part of her madness is Lawn Guyland.

Ron Rosenbaum's Immortal Essay on the Guyland Spirit of Place )
purejuice: (azucar)
I can't believe none of you Afro pomo homoes is not live blogging, with citations from DeBord, RuPaul's Drag Race and Drag U.

I'm too tired to hold up the verities for appreciation and scrutiny all by myself.

Do you realize that Cheryl Tiegs and Johnny Weir were the judges last night? Two of the very few guests, along with Thomas Jefferson, Virginia Woolf, Mike Davis, Federico Castellucio, and Stephanie Seymour, naked, to pop out of the creme brulee, at my ideal dinner party.

And LADY BUNNY is one of the judges on Drag U.

We're born naked, and after that it's all drag.
-- RuPaul

Last week it was Fug Girls Fug Madness 2010 winner, Amber Rose, holding up her end of the bargain, as many here I could touch with a short stick are not:

Really, they're the only people I want to see or talk to. Everybody say LOVE!


purejuice: (Default)

January 2012



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